My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I have aggressive nipples.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
