There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out
you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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