Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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