We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
