I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
Randomize
