filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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