There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
