I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
