the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
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Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
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I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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