Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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