When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
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