I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
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I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
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