So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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