I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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