ARI BLEW A 2.0 HAHAHAHAHAHHAHH THESE COPS ARE SO COOL!!!!
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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