Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
