She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
