I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
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she said she was living bicuriously through me.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
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On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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