you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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