Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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