I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
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we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
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My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
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