what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
