Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
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Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
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On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
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