tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
