Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Randomize
