I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
