yes i saw that this morning. it was my mailbox.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Randomize
