My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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