I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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