when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
