You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
