I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
