Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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