make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳