last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
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