If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
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