Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
you were acting out moves from the wwe, in a dress. then you sceamed "you can't see me" and ran out of the apt.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
