There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
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