Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
I'm watching Intervention to get pumped up for tonight
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
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