I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
ugh, my whole family is going ape shit over my sister's pregnancy blog. I dont get it? Anyone can get knocked up! I had rebound sex with a new york ranger last night, now that is something to fucking blog about.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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