Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
