Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Have you ever gotten so angry that you stripped in public?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
