I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
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