i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
