I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
