this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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