walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
