Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
