I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
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