matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
