Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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