Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
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